DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: When we spoke during a coaching session a month or so back, you told me that there really is no reason to hide that I’ve never had a relationship before. You also gave a really good way to deliver that information (which I forget, something about just having too much going on early in life). Do you really think that is a good idea? I always thought that women hated the idea of “showing someone the ropes” even if I’m not clueless.
I suppose it does serve as the ultimate litmus test for someone. If she doesn’t like me that much already then telling her I have no experience will definitely drive her off. It’s just something I have been thinking about.
Noob Toob
DEAR NOOB TOOB: This is something that comes up fairly often,especially among men who are olderanddon’t have as much social or dating experience as they’d like. So before I get to your, let’s talk about howimportant experience or inexperience iswhen it comes to relationships– both practically and in terms of whether it’s a deal breaker or not.
I want to start with a simple observation: the guys who are the most worried about thisvastly overestimate how much women care and how often it comes up. In my life, out of all the women I’ve dated or slept with, I can think of exactlyonewho ever asked me about my relationship history – and that was in the context of how much I’d changed since we first met, not gauging my fitness as a potential partner. It’s simply never come up or been relevant and it has never been a deciding factor in who wanted to date or hook up with me.
This isn’t terribly surprising; a lot of people misunderstand the value and importance of experience when it comes to dating.One of the more common misconceptions is that they tend to focus on numbers– how many sexual partners someone’s had, how many relationships they’ve been in and so on – as though the numbers tell you anything other than, well, numbers. The problem is that the numbers, in and of themselves, mean very little outside of measuring quantity. It isn’t necessarily hard to rack up sex partners, for example, if all you’re focused on is “make the number go up”. It’s not even about dropping your standards to zero, so much as just being willing to do whatever it takes (within reason, with consent, etc.) to get someone into bed. But having a high number of sex partnersdoesn’tmean that they’re a good lay. All the number tells you is how many people that person has had sex with. A person can have so many notches in their bedpost that it looks like they’re running a Golden Corral for termites, butit doesn’t mean that they’re that skilled of a lover. A hundred partnerssoundsimpressive, but it doesn’t mean much if all of them were one-offs who would refuse to see you again even if you were stripped naked and dipped in nacho cheese. On the other hand, a person who’s only had three or four partners in his life, but in sexually active, healthy and satisfying relationships that last for years is much more likely to be someone who knows how to make someone scream their name like they’re trying to reach someone in low-Earth orbit.
The same goes for dating or being in relationships – numbers are just a measure of quantity, not quality. Having lots of previous relationships could even be a warning sign; it could be an indicator thatthey commit too quickly, thatthey aren’t discerning about who they date, that they can’t keep it in their pants or that they have other qualities that cause the relationships to end sooner rather than later. Havinglownumbers means equally little; while yes, it could be a sign of inexperience, it could also be a sign of someone who doesn’t commit easily and wants to be sure. It could be a sign of someone whose relationships last for years or even decades, or it could be a sign of someone who simply didn’t make dating a priority. A low number is of previous partners just as likely to bethe sign of who has had other reasons why they didn’t date much, if at all, rather than a red flag.
(Not surprisingly, the people who care the most about numbers tend to be men, rather than women – and their concern tends to be inverted.Men who are sex negative or who subscribe to toxic and restrictive ideas about masculinity and male and female sexuality tend to valorize higher numbers for men while simultaneously demonizing women for having similar numbers… which brings up the obvious question of who, exactly, all those men are supposed to be f--king.)
From a practical standpoint, the biggest benefit of experience – whether it’s one relationship or ten, one sex partner or dozens – isn’t skill so much as familiarity and knowledge. Having more experience means that you’re more likely to have encountered common issues, whether they’re sexual mishaps (say,a penis with stage fright),relationship conflicts(money, communication, different goals within the relationship) or even just reading the room. It’s a lot easier to deal with an issue when you’ve run into it before; even if the last time was a royal co*ckup, you at least know whatnotto dothistime.
Greater levels of experience also frequently – not always, but frequently – comes with greater self-knowledge. If you’ve been around the block a couple of times,you’re more likely to know what you want (in bed or in a relationship)and how to express those needs to others.
Similarly, when you have relatively little experience,it’s very easy to confuse what you think you want with what you need, or what would actually be good for you. A lot of folks, for example, think they want to be players,simply because of how much culture has told them that this is what Men Should Be. In reality, not only does this not match with their personality, but it goes against the kinds of relationships they want and the people they would be most compatible with. Similarly, a lot of folks may think that they’re monogamous butfind that their sexual desire for their partners fades very quickly. In reality, they have a greater need for sexual novelty and a monogamous commitment from them will only lead to dissatisfaction and the eventual failure of the relationship, one way or another.
That doesn’t mean that experience isnecessaryfor that self-knowledge or that familiarity with the trials and tribulations of a relationship; plenty of people know themselves well enough and/or have enough related experience to manage things. But as a general rule, experience ishelpful,and increases the likelihood of a better outcome. It’s like rolling with advantage rather than with a straight roll.You can still fail when rolling with advantage, just as you can have a critical success without it, but advantage does increase the odds of success.
Now getting back to your question:how important is experience to women and how much of a red flag isinexperience? With the obvious caveat that everyone’s individual preferences will vary: not as much as you might think. A lot of the emphasis on experience or numbers –or the “shame” of being a virgin past a particular age– is pure projection; these are things thatmenfind significant, things thattheymake assumptions on and so they project those feelings onto women. It’s very similar to assuming that the things that men admire in other men – status, power, riches, etc. – are whatwomenmust want in them: some do, but most don’t think of it the way men assume they do.
This doesn’t mean that there’re aren’t women who loath the idea of “having to show someone the ropes”; there certainly are. But the bigger concern is usually less “having to teach someone how to please me” and more“Am I going to have to babysit this person through their personal development?”That is: women are less worried about the skill of an inexperienced man and more about whether that man is going to treat them as both mommy and a partner.
(Therearetimes when someoneisgoing to want more experience, specifically. There’re folks in, say, the kink community who want an experienced dom because they want a particular set of skills that a newbie is unlikely to have, and who don’t want to be/aren’t good at being a teacher. However, that’s very different from “you must have X number of punches on your punch card to ride”.)
Similarly, another, more reasonable concern is whether this person, having not dated frequently or had many sex partners, is going tosuddenly decide that they’ve missed outand are going to need to go make up for lost time or“see what else is out there”. Again, not every man with little to no experience is going to suddenly decide they need to have their slu*tty summer or whatever, but plenty of menhave. It’s understandable that some women are going to be cautious about it, especially if they’ve been burned before.
Of course, this can go both ways; if you have alotof previous partners, women might worry that you’re not going to take a relationship withthemseriously. They might worry – not unreasonably –that this is a fling for you, not something you see as having long-term potential.
But here’s the thing: despite how it sounds, none of these questions or assumptions happen in a vacuum. All of them come up in context ofhow much the person knows you and feels about you. Since we rarely start a romantic or sexual relationship with someone we literallyjust met, thereisthat period where we get to know one another, learn about each other and get a feel for who we both are. While we can never knoweverything about a person, it’s very rare that we don’t have a general feel for who someone is by the time we decide we want a relationship with them – especially a serious one.
And that makes all the difference. If somebody likes you, your experience or lack-thereof is less of a red flag/green flag and more justa data point. Someone who likes you and wants a relationship with you isn’t necessarily going to see levels of experience as a deal breaker/deal maker so much as just part of what makes you who you are. Someone who’s gotten to know you enough to decide whether they’re going to date you is usually going to have a good feel for your overall social and emotional intelligence and proceed from there.
And there’s always the fact that the numbers don’t really predict anything – not with any real certainty or accuracy. Somebody may have the not-unfounded worry that a less-experienced partner may eventually decide they want more… butthe same can be true of an experienced one. It’s a little like people who don’t want to be in a poly relationship for fear that their partner would leave them for someone else in the polycule. It’s not anunreasonablefear, but monogamous people cheat and leave their partners all the time too; monogamy is hardly an immunization against a broken heart.
If you’ve reached the point with someone where you’re both seriously considering a relationship, you’re likely well past the point where telling them that you have little to no relationship experience is going to scare them off. If thatwereto happen, it would happen far earlier. But as you said: it just becomes a filter, removing people who aren’t right for you and who you likely wouldn’t want to be with in the first place. While I don’t believe that everyone’s first time needs to be “perfect” or meaningful, itshouldbe worth it. And part of what makes it worth it is being with a partner who’s giving, sensitive and caring. If they feel that your lack of experience is a red flag or a deal breaker, then all that’s happened is that they’ve shown they’re not right for you. That’s not a fault in you, that’s simply a mismatch.
I do think it can be worth telling someone, but primarily so that they understand whereyouare coming from and what your needs are. But, as with most issues like this, it really is about how you roll it out. As is so often the case, your potential dates and partners will look to you for clues on how to respond to this knowledge. If you tell them with the overall attitude of “this is just one part of who I am”, not as some hideous flaw that you have to apologize for, they’ll respond accordingly. And if theydoreact badly? Well, then you’ve dodged a bullet and now you’re free to find someone who is worth your time.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com
